Penn Jillette has been the larger, louder half of the performing team Penn & Teller since 1975.  He is the author of the novel SOCK and, with Teller, the bestselling author of CRUEL TRICKS FOR DEAR FRIENDS and HOW TO PLAY IN TRAFFIC.  Mickey D. Lynn is a writer and poker expert. He has written for television, worked in the film industry, and worked with the talent department of Celebrity Poker Showdown, but no cheating happened there. Really.  Both authors live in Las Vegas.
 
 

Chapter One
You’re Not Playing a Game
 
Do you want to cheat because you love playing poker? Throw away this book—you’ve just been ripped off. You wasted your money. The people who love to play poker are the people who are going to be giving you money. You care about money, not poker. This is not a book on learning to play poker, or about loving to play poker: This is a book about making money. Wasn’t the title clear enough for you? You’re reading this book to learn how to cheat people out of their money in friendly home games of poker. Get it?
 
To cheat at home poker games, you do need to know how to play poker. Get a couple of books and learn the game. Learn the rules you’re going to be breaking, and learn a little of the strategy you’re not going to be using. You need to know what your losers will be thinking.
 
Get any one of the little BS books that’ll tell you the rules and how to play. Learn all the stupid games. Learn Blind Man’s Bluff where you stick cards to your head. Learn Crazy Pineapple with one-eyed jacks and deuces wild. Any book will do. You don’t care very much about any of the strategies—your strategy will be cheating. If you’re happy with the amount of money you can win playing honestly, this book isn’t for you. Throw the book away.
 
No Limit Texas Hold ’Em is the big game these days. It’s what they play on TV, and every jerk off who watches the World Series of Poker wants to play Hold ’Em. They want to play it in the casinos and they want to play it at home. Most of the stories in this book will be about Hold ’Em because most people know that game. Ten years ago, it was seven stud and before that it was five-card draw. Hold ’Em is a fine game, and its popularity will only help you make money. But there are a lot of games out there, and you need to know all of them. The focus here is mostly on No Limit Hold ’Em so you won’t get confused. You can (and will) cheat at every game you find.
 
If you’re telling yourself that you’re just reading this book to learn how not to be cheated by someone else, don’t bother. The best way to not be cheated is to not play for money. If you play cards for money, you’re going to be cheated, and you deserve to be cheated. People who play fair get money by working. If you’re trying to get money without working, you’re cheating, and if you’re cheating, someone else is going to be better at it. I’m going to be better at it. If you let me, I’ll make you better at it.
 
If you follow this book—if you take what I’ve learned from a life of full-time cheating, and you really learn it and do it just the way I explain—you can make money, and plenty of it, without working. If you’re going to take this book seriously, promise yourself right now that you will never work again. Never! You cheat or you work. There is no in-between. Those are the two ways of life. Biff down at my dry cleaning store—he works. He works like a Chinaman. Bill Gates? He doesn’t work. I don’t work. You don’t have to work.
 
You’re not going to be playing cards and you’re not going to be working at playing cards. You’re going to be cheating. I know a thing or two about cheating. You can trust me—I do nothing but cheat. I have large bank accounts in many cities and towns across the country. I own four houses and a mobile home. I have seven cars and two of them are really nice. I have over five grand in my pocket right now as you read this. I would say that I never have to work again . . . except I never worked before. I never have to work, and you don’t have to work, either. If you want to cheat, I can show you how.
 
Step one: Learn how to play all of the games and get used to the fact that you’re never going to play any of the games again. You’ll sit at the table, you’ll hold cards, you’ll make bets—but you won’t be playing. You’ll be cheating. You’ll be cheating your keister off and no one will know it. And if they do know it, who cares? There will be other towns and other suckers.
 
Copyright © 2005 by 10 in 1, Inc. All rights reserved.